We get lots of questions here at Cheese Wars World Headquarters. Mostly they're women's undergarments with hastily scrawled marriage proposals for John, Jack and Mel.

People, people, don't be ridiculous! What are you thinking, sending marriage proposals to cartoon characters? What kind of morons are you? You can't date these pieces of cheese!

They're already dating supermodels. Sometimes more than one. But you didn't hear that from us.

We've noticed a disturbing trend in the remaining mail. People, not content with minding their own business, pester us with the same queries over and over. So we decided to be self-indulgent, while at the same time boosting our advertising pages, and compile a list of the most frequently asked questions.

Q: What's your problem? Do you have some kind of freakish dairy fetish?

A: Nope, and please stop sending us dairy products. The fact is, nobody here at Headquarters can draw worth a damn or had any 3D experience at all. A complete lack of artistic talent wasn't going to keep us from making an animated series, however. So we had to settle for characters that were extremely easy to create. Cheese just happens to be a nice, simple triangle shape. It could have just as easily been a series about bowling balls or inner tubes.

Q: What happened to Glenda Gouda? She just disappeared?

A: Yep, she did. Technically, Limburger teleported her somewhere in order to hold her hostage and put pressure on John to agree to his demands. Unofficially, however, we just got tired of her. She will be back soon, as will Limburger.

Q: What software do you use to make this stuff?

A: Since Episode 8, the modeling and animation has been done in Hash's Animation:Master. Adobe After Effects is used for post-production work and Premiere edits the whole thing together. We use Syntrillium's Cool Edit 2000 for sound effects and Sonic Foundry's Acid for music.

Q: What do you have against Regis?

A: Nothing. To the contrary, we're big fans.

Q: How long does it take to make an episode?

A: That depends on the storyline. Episode 10 was rushed out in six weeks but Episode 13 took about four months.

Q: How tall are the cheeses?

A: We have no idea.

Q: Why aren't the cheeses scarier or  funnier? I don't get it.

A: Frankly, neither do we.

Q: I don't like watching stuff on the computer, can I get a tape of Cheese Wars?

A: Maybe, if you're very nice and say please. If enough people want one, we'll sell them. If you're the only one, we might just be generous and send you one for free. E-mail us and find out.

Wanna pester us some more? E-mail your questions to The Big Cheese.